Of shoes in hot weather.

Yup - I can run and do that.....

This is summer. As your lily-white and decidedly unmanicured feet swelter in your year-round comedy-sock-and-ankle-boot combo, you know what’s coming. 

Everywhere there are pictures of supermodels and celebrity swans in impossibly pretty shoes, their lightly-tanned perfect feet just visible in beaded peep-toe sandals, their well-turned ankles adorned with ribbons and teeny tiny straps, their well-exercised legs glowing with health, and set off to perfection by a pastel-coloured heel or a bejewelled wedge. And you rub your newest blisters, and slosh on some fake tan which will collect later between your first and second toes and darkly tan your toe cuticles, so that by the time you realise it, your feet will look as though you've been treading grapes for a decade, or scuffing the red dust of a cart track chasing chickens across a long-neglected farmyard. And you wonder, as you look at the pretty-footed birds of paradise…how the hell can they walk in those?

To save you treading the same path yet again, here’s a handy guide to Shoes in Hot Weather. 

1. Sandals (with heels). 
​Pros: your feet look lovely, especially as you stretch them out in front of you while sitting in a chair on a summer lawn. You feel like a princess, as you get in and out of cars. They make your legs look longer. And slimmer. Beads and ribbons are a good way of drawing attention away from less-than-perfect feet.
Cons: these shoes demand a pedicure, at the very least. While sitting may be all very well, standing is another matter. Heels sink into lawns and sand, and get caught between patio slabs, all or which are prevalent in a social summer. The lack of ankle support grows increasingly hazardous as the Pimms continues to flow. And for those of us used to a hearty stride, the little careful steps demanded by a fine six-inch heel can take a lot of getting used to. And to be honest, an English summer may just not be long enough. 
Advice: Handle with care. Book lifts and taxis. Trot, don’t run. 

2. Sandals (without heels) See also: Gladiators.
Pros: Much more comfortable. You feel like a spiritual high-achiever. You can stride. You can run. 
Cons. You are now officially six inches shorter than everyone else. And some of them are children. Your legs look sturdy rather than strong. (Remember Russell Crowe?) Your little fat feet will spread sideways a bit. And no matter how fine or sparing the straps are, they will still rub on contact. With the highly fashionable gladiator sandal, this will continue up as far as your knees. (Imagine wearing socks made of chicken wire.) 
Advice: Alternate between two different pairs with straps in different places. By the end of the summer you will look like a torture victim, but you will have spread the damage. Cultivate wise spiritual sayings. Find short people to stand next to. 

3. Ballet flats. 
What are you, six?

4. Flip flops. 
Pros. Ever-present. Always available. Cheap. Can be exchanged between friends and family at will. A huge variety of colours and with an alarming wealth of embellishment. 
Cons: Your toenails are highly visible. The noise. Everywhere you go, you are accompanied by the slap-slap of hot foot against rubber, the whup -whup of a kipper being flung onto a fishmonger’s slab. The ever-present tendency for the shoe to fly off at any point, to sail across the garden in a high arc, threatening all present, summer cocktails and buffet tables with a rubber-and-foot-scented missile.
Advice: If flip flops are your thing, there’ll be no telling you. But think of them Ike gentlemen’s evening dress, the classic is the classiest. Comedy extras detract, not augment. 

5. Converse (other brands are available)
Pros: Comfortable. Hell, you can even wear them with socks (although the foot-sock (almost invisible) is preferable to the ankle sock (primary school) or heaven forbid, the knee-sock (Morris dancer).The look is sporty, girl next door. Think, Olivia Newton JOhn, Cheryl Tiegs, Meg Ryan. 
Cons: Your feet will never tan if they’re covered up. Comfortable is rarely sexy. 
Advice: On the young chick, canvas plimsolls say ‘I’m just running about with the joy of being young and fit and in a hurry to get the most out of my wonderful life’. On the old bird, they say, ‘what, these? I’ve had them years. I didn’t even realise I had them on’. On the swan however? Proceed with care. The navy or white Converse says ‘classic, fit and healthy, happy outdoors, and comfortable in my skin. Oh, and by the way if anybody needs me to run up and down some steps or half a mile back to the house to get the potato salad, or to blow up a paddling pool, I’m your girl’. Don’t be surprised when people expect you to do those things After all, Hermione can hardly be expected to walk all that way in those fabulous beaded six-inch sandals can she?

6. Deck Shoes. Do you have a boat? If yes, this post isn’t for you. You don't care what you look like, you just want to feel the wind and the rain and the swell of the ocean, and the pull of the tide. If no, why did you buy deck shoes?

7. Trainers. See Converse. Ad to some extent Deck Shoes. 
Pros: Very comfortable indeed. Also possible with socks. 
Cons: Don't be surprised when someone signs you up for a charity fun run. And you run the ever-present risk of appearing to have tried too hard to look sporting. 
Advice: There are right trainers and wrong trainers. Ask a teenager before you buy, and check again before you leave the house wearing them. Things change overnight in the world of the cool trainer. 

Crocs: Sorry? No. Didn’t hear you.